


George Washington and the Dudes of the White House (Or: the Douchebag's Guide to the U.S. Presidents)

by ApolloMusagetes (Euterpe)



Series: The Douchebag's Guide to U.S. History [1]
Category: Historical RPF
Genre: A whole lot of swearing, Gen, Not really fanfiction, United States History, United States Presidents, literally just history, really there's a lot of swearing, the author is a pottymouth and doesn't care
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 18:59:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10725246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Euterpe/pseuds/ApolloMusagetes
Summary: The following work is an extremely irreverent recounting of the 45 United States presidencies, from George the Washington to Donald the Trump. If you're studying for that APUSH exam or if you're just plain curious, this is the place to go. You're welcome.





	George Washington and the Dudes of the White House (Or: the Douchebag's Guide to the U.S. Presidents)

If you don't know who George Washington is, I'm afraid I can't help you. Everyone knows who George Washington is. Even my grandma, who lived her whole life in Communist China and only got an elementary school education, knows who George Washington is. Who the fuck doesn't know George Washington? George Washington knew he was George Washington. He probably took some time off his day to sit down on a big, comfy chair in his Mount Vernon residence to think about how great he was, you know, being George fucking Washington and all. Well, maybe not, since he was all "I shall not tell a lie" and "discipline" and yadda yadda, but IMO nothing makes a man hotter than a healthy dose of humility.

Anyway, for those of you who don't want to hear me ramble on about how hot a Founding Father was (okay, maybe not so much with his bad teeth and all), you probably know George Washington as the guy who literally Invented the Presidency. Like, no kidding, he could have been the King of the United States if he wanted to. But because he was good ol' humble George, he didn't want to, and so the Presidency was born. Everyone after that just followed in his footsteps because they wanted to be George Washington, who was some serious goals. This part's, like, super important later on, because John Adams ends up having some big shoes to fill, but we'll talk about him when we get there.

George Washington was born George Washington in 1732 to an economically stable family in Virginia. I cannot imagine him being born with any name other than George Washington. His family owned slaves because they were economically stable and they were Virginian. George would eventually inherit them, and he would purchase many more until he emancipated his slaves at Mount Vernon in his will. People don't really talk about George Washington and his stance on slavery, but from what I can recall, he was privately against it but still practiced it as a means of tradition, so he's not really the president to look for on that issue. It's still kinda important, but then again, everything about George Washington is kinda important. He was also, like, super tall for his time, so he might have picked up basketball had he grown up in the late 20th century. Who knows, he could have been the LeBron of the Founding Fathers.

Oh yeah, that story about George chopping down the cherry tree? Bullshit. I don't know who you heard that from. It's a myth as far as I'm concerned. Go ahead, fight me. I expect a fucking three-thousand word research report in the comments on how you can prove this shit actually happened.

And yes, George Washington was a Freemason, which is NOT the same thing as the Illuminati. Seriously, I don't understand where you guys got all of this information. The Illuminati, as a historical organization, stopped existing centuries ago. Can we stop talking about it now?

Anyway, after a brief stint with surveying, where he measured the land and basically did what GPS's do way before GPS's existed, George Washington landed a job as an officer in the colonial militia. He kind of, maybe, sort of accidentally started the French and Indian War, but we'll forgive him because he's George fucking Washington. Basically, in 1754, there was a whole deal about forts and stuff, which the British told George to guard but the French got to it first, so George and his men and a couple of Native Americans ambushed this French guy named Jumonville, who died. This would have been a good thing because George technically won, but then the French got mad and surrounded him at Fort Necessity. Contrary to popular belief, George Washington didn't win everything, and in this one instance the French were like, "we'll let you go if you sign this agreement right here," and George, in all his heroic glory, was like, "I have no idea what this says because it's in French but I'll sign it anyway," and he basically admitted he assassinated Jumonville, which was a big deal, and like many other assassinations of world history (I'm looking at you, Archduke Franz Ferdinand), the French used it as leverage to start a fucking war.

But George learned from his mistakes, and he turned out to be pretty decent in his service during the French and Indian War. After the war, he married the wealthy widow Martha Dandridge, who came with two children and an entire estate. George Washington got rich quick ~~~~so, look. I know it's not empowering or anything, but if you want to make a lot of money without putting effort into your career, make like a Washington and marry into some good money.

Then the American Revolution happened. I usually don't like explaining the American Revolution because everybody knows what happened during the American Revolution, but if you don't know who George Washington was then you probably don't know what the American Revolution was, so it's probably for the best that I enlighten you people. (For real, take a history class or something.) So after the French and Indian War ended in 1763, the British realized they were pretty damn broke and started getting all up in the colonists' business about taxes and stuff. The colonists, in true American glory (even though America as a country hadn't existed yet) got pissed that the British were making them pay more for their stamps and papers and tea and shit, so they were like, "we want a say in how you tax us," and the British Parliament plus George III (who was mentally unstable) were like, "no, fuck you," and the colonists got even more pissed off, and basically some conferences happened, a Declaration of Independence was written by our future third president, and people started killing each other. You know, Lexington and the "shot heard 'round the world" and all that. 

With an impending war on their heels, the Continental Congress realized that they needed someone pronto to lead the American forces, which was really just a bunch of noobs who had the patriotic zeal but not a good sense of what they were actually doing. John Adams, a lawyer from Massachusetts and our sad, sad second president, nominated George Washington as the Commander in Chief of the Continental Army.

Now, that may sound all glorious and magnificent and lord, get me a fucking bald eagle in here, but the Continental Army actually looked really shitty in comparison to the British Army, who were basically the Godzilla to George Washington's ragtag team of horseflies. The Continental Army was ill-funded, ill-trained, and ill in general; the struggle was real for George and his forces not to get their asses wiped clean by the Redcoats in the first few years of the war. But luckily, George had guerrilla warfare and a handful of good generals on his side, and he held on until he crossed the Delaware in that famous painting and showed some Hessians who was boss at the Battle of Trenton. Unfortunately, the winter at Valley Forge happened, and a bunch of George's soldiers died, but George endured it and actually got von Steuben to train them because the cold never bothered him anyway. The Continental Army ended up having considerably more success at Yorktown in 1781, where the British under General Cornwallis (who will forever be remembered in shame) surrendered, ending the American Revolution. Two years after the war was over, George Washington had to put down this Newburgh Conspiracy like the responsible badass he was and convince the dissatisfied Continental Army not to revolt against Congress. Then he retired ~~~~commanding a fucking army takes a toll on you, I imagine.

George thought he was done, but the Constitutional Convention had other ideas. After the pathetic failure of the Articles of Confederation, a bunch of the Founding Fathers were like, "we need a less shitty government," so they made the Constitution and put up the three branches of federal government: the legislative, the executive, and the judicial. For our purposes, the executive branch was the president, who would basically be like the king but not the king, if you know what I mean. And who better to be the not-king than George fucking Washington, who led us through the fucking war?

So George Washington became the first President of the United States, even though he didn't really want to be. A big part of his presidency, in true Washington fashion, was to set a bunch of precedents, like the executive cabinet, a two-term tenure, and telling people to call him "Mr. President." He also steered the country away from foreign affairs, especially because the French Revolution was going on, and he rejected this dude called Citizen Genet when he asked for help from the United States. In retrospect, this was kind of hypocritical, since France had helped the U.S. so much during the American Revolution, but I'm sure we're all over it now. No hard feelings. Anyway, George wanted to focus more on domestic issues, like that one time he personally put down the Whiskey Rebellion and scared the shit out of rioting Pennsylvanian wheat farmers. He also majorly hated on political parties, which he told America not to do, but then of course America went and did it anyway. 

By the end of his presidency, George Washington was ripe and old, and he felt like he deserved a rest. He retired for good this time, and he led a jolly old existence at Mount Vernon until 1799. He was so wholesome that his last words were "Tis well," even as he was suffocating from severe epiglottis and literally losing half of his blood. To commemorate this wholesome man who Invented the Presidency, we put his face on the quarter and the one-dollar bill.

So there. You have literally no excuse not to know who George Washington is anymore.


End file.
